What does your car really say about you? – words Alan Woods

To their owners, cars represent more than just a way to get from A to B. In many ways, they are a representation of the owners themselves.

From putting eyelashes on headlights to installing massive yawning exhausts, there are countless ways in which our cars can give the outside world clues about who we really are. Except sometimes we buy a car to send one message but we end up sending another. So what does your car really say about you?

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The Boy Racer

Car model: Any popular first car. Saxo, Fiesta, Golf. Second hand but kitted out with a big exhaust (the louder the better), blacked-out windows (the darker the better), flame stickers (the stickier the better) and at least one large dent.

Custom license plate: LAD 85

What you think it says about you: Oh, you think this car has a small engine? Wrong. Listen to that. How could a small engine make such sweet music? And the dents? Those are war wounds, mate. They’re battle scars, and you should see the other guy.

This car does nought to sixty in 0.8 seconds with me behind the wheel. That might just be me though, I think I could do that in any car. You see those flame decals? Yeah, they’re metaphorical. They represent how weak the ruined atmosphere is as I rip through it in this compact babe-magnet.

What it really says about you: This car was actually my Mum’s before she and she never got round to selling it after she got a Meriva. I added the decals and loud exhaust as a desperate cry for attention.

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The Well-Off Professional

Car model: Any executive car. The newest and most prestigious one. The one that no one else has yet but everyone else will have soon. Of course once they do, you’ll have to get a new one. But at the moment, it’s likely a BMW 3 Series.

Custom license plate: B055 M4N

What you think it says about you: Everything about me is professional. I am doing well, but I do not show off about it. I do not need to show off about it because everything about me screams wealth and success. No wait, screaming is undignified. I simply exude wealth and success. So I drive the most impressive car there is. Not the fastest. Not the flashiest. Not the most expensive (though I could afford the most expensive). But the most impressive.

What it really says about you: I am very conscious that I have reached an age where people will expect a certain degree of ‘success’ from me. If working in a suffocating office and buying suits I can’t afford is success then I certainly have it.

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The Hipster

Car model: A Mini. New or old in an understated colour.

Custom license plate: Something self-aware like PL06 ATE.

What you think it says about you: I’m definitely not a hipster. I’m a functional, well adjusted adult with a job and a mortgage and everything. I bought a Mini because they are timeless. I also enjoy drinking cold-brew-flat-white-vegan-soy-milk lattes, I have several tasteful geometric tattoos, and I hate trends.

What it really says about you: I Googled whether Mini’s are in fashion or not and it looks like they always are so thank God no one will judge me for driving one.

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The Environmentally Conscious

Car model: Prius.

Custom License Plate: VE60 GAN

What you think it says about you:  I would walk everywhere if I could, but sometimes you just have to drive, and a Prius is the only car I can drive with a clear conscience. The way I see it, you are your carbon footprint man, and that carbon footprint is the most important thing you leave behind. Not even your kids or your treasure trove of ahead-of-its-time unpublished poetry.

What it really says about you: I saw An Inconvenient Truth one time and that was it for me. Now everyone I have ever met knows that I drive a Prius, because driving a Prius makes me a good person and everyone within a 5 foot radius needs to know it.

What does your car really say about you? – words Alan Woods

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